New Discoveries

extended version.

“I have secrets that I keep locked away in a place that you will never find. It’s for me only. Don’t you understand?”

She spoke so easily, as if it didn’t really matter, but in some profound way unbeknownst to me, it did. I don’t even know how the conversation shifted to the topic of secrecy, but she always had a way of making me feel like I was the one who should be locked away in the loony bin. Not her. She just always seems so lucid and understanding.

“You will never know the whereabouts of my hidden sock puppets. I can’t just tell you where they are! They will be angry and bite you. Its for your own protection pear, pear, Perry!”

Then she says something crazy again, like that, eyes all wide and wild as her head juts at an angle and I snap back into reality.

I take in the dank and noisy room that I’ve gotten used to tuning out since my years of coming here. I clear away the tunnel vision that happens every time I see her waiting eyes and look around at the other tattered faces in the room. I see too many pairs of sunken eyes lost in their own bubbles before my attention is once again falling on the woman in front of me. Her eyes are almost pleading now and I respond to her unavoidable insanity.

“I know Kendra, I know. Hidden puppets stay hidden.” I soothe, as I pat her head and pull her towards me. I hold her tight and smooth her tangled hair with a kiss. It tickles my nose and smells like her favorite strawberry chap-stick. The scent taunts me, it consumes me, it reminds me of the good then slaps me with the truth of our situation in an instant. One of her nurses told me she’s been using it on her hair in attempts to keep her “gorgeous locks from getting chapped.” I let a single tear slide down my cheek and inhale a final deep breath as I prepare to leave… this time for good.

“This was a good visit, my sweet, I’ll see you next week? When I’m better and ready to leave?” Her face has that light to it, as it does every time she talks about leaving this place and going home.

It’s like she’s expecting me to tell her that today is that day, and when I just agree with her instead her eyes dull almost imperceptibly. I see it, though. I always do.

It takes everything in me to choke back the sobs that are threatening to escape.

“Of course, when you’re all better, I’ll be back.” I wish I was brave enough to tell her the truth, but at least my fear isn’t strong enough to feed her lies.

With that, I give her one last hug and a lingering kiss on her pouty mouth. I walk out of the door and suppress my desire to look back into her longing brown eyes. The divorce was finalized this morning, after 5 years of trying everything to get her back to being the woman I fell in love with.

My heart died with that last confirmation that my wife was gone forever.

Shirley sashayed up to a man shrouded in shredded sheets and mentioned not a word as she latched her shivering hands on each of his massive shoulders and shook him into shameful recognition.

The end.

omfgcate:

dqdbpb:

we’re halfway thru april, u know what tht means?

#ITS GONNA BE MAY

I was sinking until I sunk.
I was losing a battle i never fought.
to the bottoms of the darkest oceans.
to deepest crevices between land and sea.
beyond what anyone could explore.
beyond the imagination of the unrefined.
i hit the endless grains of salt.
I hit the soft sands of forgotten earth.
falling deeper into its quickness.
falling deeper into despair.
there I cowered from the nothing.
there I searched for no life to speak of.
no flying fish with gills of light.
no monsters lurking beneath the shadows.
left in a silent sort of solace.
left to think and dwell and gasp for air.
air that bubbled up from within.
air that found its way to fresh aired freedom.
leaving me behind to suffocate.
leaving me behind to choke on unshed tears.

Had to write an introduction for my College success skills class today. I have 6 classes this semester. Not my first rodeo. Bored with the same old, so now I’m pretty sure all my classmates and teacher think I’m crazy because boring bios are boring.

*shrug*

When I was little I used to spend the summers with my grandparents. My gram had a huge collection of jewelry that I used to fawn over. Somedays when there were no reruns of ‘I Love Lucy’ on or we were too lazy to trek through the woods in search of adventure I would set up all her jewelry over her room and inform her that I was running a tasteful boutique and she was more than welcome to browse around.

Her first question of course was what the name of my lovely jewelry store was, to which I informed her casually was Images. She always retells this story and compliments my young mind for coming up with such a suitable name. I just blush and tell her I’ve been a genius for as long as I can remember.

Today I found out that there is a store is Indiana called, Images Jewelers. (circa 1976)

Little did I know i was committing copy write infringement at the ripe old age of 6… and a half.

:/

So, I’ve been at my local community college for a little over a month now and here is what I’ve noticed.

The boys sure are nice…between holding the door for me (after every class and making me jog to it because I’m not even close to being right behind you) and walking me to my car (when yours is in a completely different lane and direction) and checking out what brand of jeans I’m wearing (because what else would you be looking at when I’m probably wearing the same pair you’ve got stashed away at home somewhere?) and giving me the comfy seat in lab (that was actually very gentlemanly of you)… I’ve never met so many friendly guys. Too bad I’m going to have to stifle a snort of laughter if any of them actually tries to get my number…

The girls are just as nice with more subtle gestures. Sweet smiles and small conversations to make things less awkward in an empty classroom or a busy hallway.

The teachers range from knowledgable to quirky to down right tired. I’m skeptical of my history teacher and his credentials of an educator. Seriously, videos and take home tests that he gives us the answers to just before the test is due? Talk about an easy A. I’ll be remembering him for next semester, though, no doubt.

School isn’t so bad…as long as you ignore the creepy stares of the local construction workers and the annoyingly serious traffic directors the school has decided to employ for each morning. (And then there’s the odd random kid who doesn’t know who Chris Brown is…honestly who doesn’t know who Chris Brown is? That’s ridiculous!)

I don’t think I’ll mind doing this for another year and a half.

Where I was a few months ago I would find myself sitting outside, taking in the world and filling my lungs with toxins from my camel menthols and the thought of, ‘I wanna go home.’, would pass through my head for no good reason. I mean, I was sitting outside my house in the life I’d made for myself. But since I’ve opened up this new chapter of my life I haven’t found that thought buzzing around in my head…probably cuz I’ve never felt more at home with myself than I do now. I think ‘home’ can be the most metaphorically important thing for a person and mean so much more than just four walls and a roof.

I can’t imagine how great I’ll feel when I make my home in LA, studying what I’ve been obsessed with my whole life. & I can’t wait for more adventures and the endless possibilities that come with feeling so utterly myself.

(Filling prompts is fun)

Well I guess it’s time again. I’ve only just gotten washed yesterday after a long day’s practice and already they’re sending me out there. I watched my friend be thrown away last night. The janitor didn’t think anyone was watching, but we saw it. Gary was just thrown out like he was nothing. If i had legs, hands, a mouth, anything I would have put a stop to it.

Instead I’m just left to sit here and wait for it to be my time to be thrown away and sent to rot somewhere with piles of trash. Have you ever tried having a conversation with a thrown out soda can? It’s depressing. All, “Oh my lid has been popped and then I was just tossed out. I feel so empty.”

It must be super bowl time already. The lights seem brighter tonight than they usually do, and I know there are more people here than usual. The players seem to be on edge, like I’ve been all night. Seriously, I almost fell off the table.

It’s not easy being a football helmet. Sure, it’s nice to know you have purpose. I do my best to protect the players whenever they need me. I can hit turf like nobody’s business and I always make sure to hold on tight so my player doesn’t get hurt. I’ve been active for almost a year after all. That’s almost un heard of here.

I can remember back at the factory. I was only a day old and I could hear how nervous everyone was around me. Wondering what team they were gonna serve and who would wear them. We all knew what our life was going to consist of. We were told not to expect to be a part of the game longer than a few months and look at me now. I mean I’m not saying they were wrong, I’ve seen my fair share of helmets come and go. Gary was just the most recent.

Ouch. That was a harder hit than I was ready for. I hate when they make those last minute calls and slam me into some unsuspecting player. The shoulder pads are always complaining about that. Yeah, like they’ve got it bad. They’re soft and bounce back easy. Try being this hard, shoulder pads.

I hope we win this time. Being thrown into the nearest wall is like blaming us for your loss. We have no control over your hands there buddy; I can’t help it if you missed the ball. Trust me, the ball’s not too happy about it either. He wants to be caught instead of landing and skidding across the field more than you do. That hurts man. Then when you do catch him like you’re supposed to and score, you throw him down anyways. The ball really does have it rough. He can’t win for losing.

I shouldn’t complain. I love being a part of something big. I love getting shined up every night after a big game I know I helped win. Getting polished and jazzed up for the next game is actually like having a spa day with all your pals. It’s not a bad life, no matter how short and under appreciated.

I’ll never forget this one time I saved my player’s life. The doctors told him he’d been out for the count had I not been there. He even snuck in a kiss when no one was looking. It’s times like those that make it all worth it.

Oh Will Ferrell.

“I’m in a classroom…sitting in a desk…feeling adolescent as fuck.”

That was the first text I sent my best friend when I started school for the first time in 5 years.

There was a girl sitting to my side with a mystery machine lunchbox by her feet and a calculator carefully tucked into her trapper keeper. (I judged her pretty harshly at first… until she opened her mouth to ask the third question in a span of 5 minutes while our new teacher went over the syllabus. She ended with about 25 questions and my belief set firmly on the fact that she was a bit on the slow side. I felt bad about internally joking her after coming to that realization.)

Moving on. After finding my seat, two girls had already gone ahead and placed their belongings on a desk so they could stand freely by the door (blocking it) so they could talk about how girls should definitely not flirt with their boyfriends.

A couple of minutes later…A kid came in, I’m going to assume he was impaired, who couldn’t figure out which isle to go down. That left handed desk that was randomly thrown into the row really threw him for a loop…

Oh back to school…you’re looking promisingly interesting thus far.

I have a lab tomorrow. Those are the classes that require you to actually interact with the other students… let’s see how that goes.

26+ people died today in Newtown, Connecticut.

Not just died and not just people, mostly kids were murdered… at an elementary school of all places.

People are calling it senseless violence, like they know. I don’t know that so I feel like the worst kind of sheep when i said it on twitter today. I think it’s wishful thinking. Senseless.

We know it was out of the pure depravity of one or two maybe even three people. Someone would have to be crazed and/or evil to shoot up a school where innocence lines the hallways. Children. I mean like not just minors, but little ass kids. That’s sickening to think about.

When I decided that this was something I wanted to type a few words about all I could think of was the people affected by the loss. The people mangled by tears and pain and sadness. Parents and family members so devastated they can’t even try to keep it together.

But then I thought what about whoever did this. What was he/she/they thinking? Honestly, I don’t even want to try to maneuver myself around a mind that could have gone through with it. I hope they rot. I hope they’re gutted and by some magical force they’re death is in such slow motion that while their innards pour around their feet and they sink to the ground in agony they literally rot until their eyes close in finality.

I don’t even know anyone in that general vicinity. I don’t care. It sucks that this happened.